The Shards

just aura framing and camera mogging with no coherent plot with the only premiere being stay tuned it’s gonna get better and it never does

What even is the point of this show?? Just a bunch of horny teens doing blow and being dramatic.

Will be waiting for the next season bc what was that ending…

I literally paid £3.99 for Queue Plus just so I could write a review longer than 280 characters, because this fucking TV series pissed me off THAT much.

Let’s start with the only thing I actually liked: the ’80s style. Honestly, 10/10. The clothes, the aesthetic—everything looks very on point. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Love it. Anyway, moving on.

The first episode was actually really good. It gave me suspense, mystery, questions, murders, creepy shit… I was invested. I thought, “Okay, where is this going?” And then apparently Ryan Murphy was like, “So, I have 15 different ideas. Why don’t we put all of them together? And plot twist: none of them will make sense together. How funny? Let me grab a coffee. Bye, have a nice day, everybody.”

Because after episode one, every episode feels like it needs to be 50 minutes long, but there are only about 20 minutes of actual plot. So what do we do? SLOW MOTION. Every five minutes, there are at least eight minutes of people walking, staring, driving, smoking, looking dramatically into the distance, or doing absolutely fucking nothing, just to fill the space because apparently the episode has to reach an hour. Everything in slow motion. Because why not?

And WHERE ARE THE PARENTS?! Seriously. Where the fuck are they? These kids are living in massive, rich ’80s houses, and I have yet to see a single normal parent watching the news and thinking, “Oh shit, students are getting murdered at my kid’s school. Maybe I should check on my child.” Nothing. Nobody. These parents do not exist.

And yes, there is one family where the parents are actually present, but they might as well not be. The daughter is doing cocaine and whatever else, and they couldn’t give less of a fuck. The father is gay, the mother apparently wants to become a porn star, and they’re doing cocaine, smoking cigarettes, and fucking around while their daughter is literally living in the middle of all this chaos.

THESE ARE NOT PARENTS. These are three people who happen to live in the same house. They do not exist. They are NPCs with a mortgage.

Then we have the relationships. I genuinely don’t understand why half of these people are together. The blonde guy and Susan? Absolutely zero sense. I don’t believe for one second that these two people are in love. Or that they like each other. Or that they even know each other.

The other couple? He’s gay. Everyone knows he’s gay. So WHY are you still together?! What are we doing here?! THE NILE IS A RIVER IN EGYPT.

Then there are the same two guys from the friend group, who have apparently been best friends since childhood: the writer and the Greek god with curly blonde hair. No development. Every time something happens, the blue-eyed creep, secretly in love with someone who does drugs (shocking, I know), has the survival instincts of a fucking sack of potatoes.

Actually, he IS a sack of potatoes. Stiffest person ever. DO SOMETHING, LITTLE TWINK.

The only thing he does is look creepy as fuck. Murders are happening around him, and he basically stands there thinking, “Hmm. Let me get obsessed with the new kid anyway, CAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHY.”

Alexa, play “Obsessed” by Mariah Carey.

Someone from his school gets murdered. He receives creepy calls in the middle of the night. He hears victims screaming for help. And what does he do?

DOES HE CALL THE POLICE?

No. Of course not. Because apparently that would be the stupidest thing ever. Instead, he decides to investigate it himself based on just a ✨feeling✨, because that motivates him to follow and stalk other people. Because he’s a writer. Bitch, what?

THE WAY THEY JUST GO ON WITH THEIR LIVES.

You literally just race the creepy guy with leather pants, he crashes into your car, and then you’re like, “Anyway, let me go to the mall.”

LOOKING LIKE A FUCKING LANDLINE PHONE PROMOTER.

And then, at some point, there’s the scene with the weird guy, looking like the sixth member of Guns N’ Roses, who appears in the room with Miss I-Never-Win-Anything and the only gay-looking man who is actually the straightest man out of all of them. “Welcome to the Jungle” starts playing in my head. He gets into the bedroom with a KNIFE.

He locks the door.

The show gives us all this dramatic music and suspense, making it look like he’s about to murder them.

And then… he just leaves.

BECAUSE THEY SAY TO HIM: “Please leave.”

Oh. Okay. Problem solved. That was easy. WTF?

Nobody calls the police. Nobody does anything. Everyone just carries on with their fucking Tuesday, with, you guessed it, MORE COCAINE!

And nobody ever talks about it again because THE DANCE-OFF IS COMING!

Suddenly, they’re all in what looks like a fucking Hollywood studio. The entire school is there.

WHERE IS RACHEL BERRY NOW?!

Because Miss Blonde Ash wants to win the competition, but she’s not sure, because “I love my best friend, but I hate her because she’s the one who always wins, but I’m happy for her if she wins, but let me call Daddy and tell him to let me win, but I lose, so now I’m pissed off, but let me look at my gay little twink boyfriend crying, but I accept my fate, but now I’m gonna run away crying.”

PICK A STRUGGLE.

Miss Cocaine, apparently doing another line is the only thing you’re winning at.

The dialogue is another problem. These characters don’t sound like different people. They all sound like robots who have been given slightly different outfits.

There is no depth, no distinct personality, and no natural conversation. Sometimes it feels like the characters aren’t even talking to each other. They’re just reading lines because the plot needs someone to say them.

And yes, I KNOW IT’S THE ’80s. I understand the cigarettes. I understand the cocaine. But JESUS CHRIST.

These people are smoking and doing so much cocaine that I’m surprised the entire cast hasn’t spontaneously turned into ash.

The funniest part is that NOTHING has happened and EVERYTHING has happened.

There are murders, drugs, secrets, creepy phone calls, knives, relationships, suspicious people, mysterious shit everywhere… and somehow, after eight episodes, I feel like I have watched absolutely fucking nothing.

AND I AM AVOIDING talking about that character from American Horror Story, who wants to be something in life, be amazing and famous, but is apparently having the time of their life voting some teenage girl out of a dance-off competition.

FOR WHAT?!

WHAT IS THE REASON?!

I’ve got more questions than answers. I need to send an email to Ryan Murphy because he has to pay for the next 12 therapy sessions I’ll need after watching this nonsense.

And I paid £3.99 to be able to say all of this.

So appreciate it, folks.